


It's Your Blood That's Red Like Roses

by rychuu



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: AKA basically my headcanons for canon Kokichi, Basically a Twins AU... AU?, Other, So is this an AU of an AU if the AU is a backstory for canon?, When they were twelve, Where Kurochi died, puzzling thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 15:56:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16835824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rychuu/pseuds/rychuu
Summary: Kokichi finds that grief is a miserable thing when you’re a thirteen year old boy and your twin brother committed suicide a little less than a year ago.





	It's Your Blood That's Red Like Roses

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Quick warnings for:
> 
> Gore (In a dream)  
> Implications of past abuse  
> Implications of a suicide (and sexual abuse of the one who committed it)  
> Grief, lots and lots of grief
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

They say there’s a first for everything. There are lots of “firsts” a person could have in their entire life.

The first time eating a new food. The first time watching a movie. The first time you celebrated your birthday or a holiday. Your first best friend. Your first kiss. 

The first time someone you loved died.

Truth be told, Kokichi knew this first when he was very young. Five or six years old, he could barely remember it when his mother disappeared. It had been right after a fight he witnessed between her and his father. At the time, Kokichi hadn’t understood why they were fighting, but soon after her disappearance, it was obvious.

It was because his father was a demon.

Not only was he and his brother, Kurochi, miserable when she died, but soon after she was gone, the abuse started. Fierce and ruthless, and no matter what he or his brother did, it wouldn’t end. 

Maybe it had been the abuse that distracted him from his first time experiencing death and grief. Maybe it was because he was so young that the sting of losing his mother was nothing more but a dull ache. Maybe the saying “time heals all wounds” really had some merit to it.

Though if that was true, then why was it that every time he thought about his brother, he wanted to scream?

Time had certainly passed since Kurochi had taken his own life. Maybe it hadn’t been long enough, but Kokichi had to wonder–how _long_ would be long enough?

After his brother’s suicide, Kokichi came to learn the true nature of the abuse their disgusting _brute_ of a father forced him into. Yet the suicide was brushed under the rug and covered up, their father forging his brother’s handwriting and claiming that the death of their mother from years before was the reason. Kokichi so _desperately_ wanted to expose that _monster_ with the truth, but he knew better. Trying to expose their father’s mistreatment of them always lead to more trouble and hurt for them than freedom and salvation.

So Kokichi ran away. Like the _coward_ that he was.

Now, there he was, waking up on his thirteenth birthday cold and alone. It would be his first birthday alone.

He managed to keep himself in check for most of the day. They had work to do, money to make and shows to perform. There was only one member of their little trio that actually made for a good show, but Kokichi was at least able to put up a good announcer voice and collect donations from the crowds the fire dancing Glenn did drew in.

The facade only lasted until about dinner time, however.

“Hey Kokichi, something wrong?” Glenn asked, his own face stuffed with food. “Ranji’s got other stuff if you don’t like the food, you know.”

“Huh?” Kokichi hadn’t even noticed it, the way that he played with the remaining half of his meal. He could feel his stomach begging for more, but the idea of finishing his plate made him feel nauseous. It felt so _wrong_ to have a whole plate of anything to himself on a day where he was so used to sharing everything he had with someone else.

“Nah, I’m just not hungry,” Kokichi replied, forcing out a smile. “Ranji’s food is always really spicy and great! I’m just… not very hungry today.”

“Huh, really?” Glenn raised a brow, but he shrugged. “You’ve barely eaten anything though. You didn’t even eat much at lunch either.”

“I know! But the truth is, I toootally got some candy from one of the nearby stores today!” Kokichi folded his arms behind his head and grinned. “Sowwie! I didn’t get enough to share though, so I didn’t bother telling you.”

“Candy? _Really?”_ Glenn seemed to have bought the lie, and frowned. “You need to eat proper food, not fill up on candy.”

“Oh well! Too little, too late!” Kokichi chirped, abruptly standing up from his seat. From how quickly he stood, his chair nearly fell over. “Anyway, today was an awesome fire show, like always! But man, my throat is all sore, so I’m gonna go lay down for a while.”

This left Glenn dumbfounded. “Lay down? Wait, why not drink some water fir–”

Glenn’s words didn’t reach him, however, and Kokichi made his way out of the room. “Good niiiight! See you in the morning!”

Kokichi couldn’t get to the room he slept in fast enough, and it was the first time he ever slammed the door so hard behind him.

Despite not even running, he felt out breath, panting and wheezing and shaking. Kokichi looked down, at his violently trembling hands, and he heard his heart pounding in his ears.

“Why…?” he heard his own voice, so weak and small, leak out past his lips. “… Why?”

Why… _what?_ Why was he shaking? Why was his heart beating so hard and fast? Why was his breathing so sharp and harsh?

None of those questions sounded right. As he felt like the air was being squeezed right out of his lungs, he felt his eyes sting. Kokichi found his arms to be trembling worse and worse as he tightly hugged himself.

He choked on a soft whine and wheezed. 

_Why am I all alone?_

A knock made him jump and yelp, and he sharply turned to face the door behind him.

“Kokichi…?” The voice behind the door was lower than Glenn’s, and it’s tone was far too gentle.

“Ranji…?” Kokichi muttered quietly, though he quickly rushed over to the bed, threw himself onto it, and pulled the covers over his head. He held his breath for a moment before he called out; “I was almost asleep, Jeez! _Rude!”_

“My apologies… May I come in?”

Kokichi gritted his teeth, feeling his fingers still shaking as they gripped onto the sheet beneath him. “I’m trying to sleep! I don’t feel good, okay? So I’m trying to sleep.”

Ranji didn’t immediately reply, but when he did, his voice sounded even more concerned. “Are you all right, Kokichi?”

“I’m _fine!”_ he spat. “I just want to sleep, okay? So just… _go away!”_

Kokichi was met with another pause, and then, a heavy sigh. “If you need me, I will be in the living room. Please sleep well.” And then, he was gone.

Silence. 

The suddenly silence engulfed the room, and the sheet beneath Kokichi’s face started to grow damp.

After choking back a sob, Kokichi vigorously started to wipe his eyes free from the tears. Once he managed to force himself to stop crying, he grabbed a pillow and clung onto it.

“… Happy birthday, Rochi,” he muttered quietly into the fabric before burying his face more. “… Happy birthday…”

A few more weak sobs escaped from his throat before he finally started drifting off.

_........._

_......_

_..._

Red. There was red everywhere.

Above his head, a sky dyed red from the break of dawn. Below his feet, a field of bright red roses, swaying in the wind as their petals scattered across the sky. For as far as the eye could see, there was nothing but red.

Except for one thing, a boy, standing directly in front of him.

The boy standing in front of Kokichi looked just like him. The same two toned hair, the same purple eyes, the same ghostly white skin. The only difference, in fact, was that the other boy had his hair tied back in a low pony tail and was wearing a pristine, black Japanese school uniform. 

There was a warm smile on his face, and his lips parted to form words.

Kokichi couldn’t hear a thing he was saying.

Kokichi tried to shout back, but all he could hear was the wind blowing harshly in his ears. Rose petals kicked up from the field as the wind grew harsher. When he tried to move, he only fell flat on his face. There were rose vines tightly wrapped around his ankles, and he could feel thorns piercing his skin.

With a sharp snarl, Kokichi tried to kick his legs free from the vines, but they only tightened their grip onto his legs, and inched further and further up. He tried to rip the vines off with his own bare hands, but only managed to pierce his hands in several places with thorns.

He screamed, but there was no sound. Nothing but the wind howling in his ears. Rose petals kicked up again, so dense that he could barely see anything in front of him. Nothing but the color of red.

Kokichi squeezed his eyes shut, crying out but gagging and coughing. The wind grew harsher.

Suddenly, however, there was a voice. A warm voice that mirrored his own. 

“Kii-chii.”

Kokichi’s eyes shot open, and the storm of petals had completely subsided. Standing right in front of him was the bow who shared his face. Except when Kokichi went to meet his eyes, all he found were gaping, dark holes and blood dripping from them. The blood that dripped off of his chin immediately turned into another rose petal, each drip fluttering down or being caught by the remains of the wind.

“Kii-chii…”

Blood, more blood started dripping from the other’s mouth, nose, ears, neck–suddenly, there were several wounds all over the boy standing in front of him.

Kokichi tried to scream, but he only choked and gagged once more. He heard the wind kicking back up.

Now, the other boy was frowning. He wasn’t at all phased by the wounds adorning his skin. “… Kii-chii…”

Yet again, Kokichi tried to shout, to scream, _anything–_ but he coughed, tasting something metallic and covering his mouth with his hands. When Kokichi pulled his hands away, he saw more rose petals, drenched in blood.

Kokichi looked back up to the other, tears staining his horrified face, and he watched as the other dissolved into blood and petals in front of him. He reached out to him, blood dripping down from his fingertips, but the boy dissolved into rose petals right in his hands.

He tried to scream again. All he heard in response was the wind.

………

……

…

Kokichi was woken up with a start, a large hand shaking his shoulder. The sudden jolt made Kokichi flinch away from the touch, and he smacked the offending hand away.

“K-Kokichi!” The offending hand belonged to Ranji, his expression looked disgustingly concerned. “Kokichi, are you all right? You had been crying out in your sleep–”

Ranji wouldn’t get his answer. Kokichi only cried out and pushed Ranji away, scrambling off of the bed and out of the room.

“Kokichi!”

Down the hall and into the bathroom. Kokichi hadn’t even registered his own actions as he slammed the door shut and locked it behind him.

“Kokichi?! Hey!” Another voice appeared, and Kokichi heard someone slamming their fist on the door. “Hey, Kokichi! Kokichi, what happened? Kokichi! Open the door!”

Kokichi ignored the voice calling out to him, and he felt like the room was spinning. Round and round, and the more it spun the more dizzy he felt. 

His hands made their way to his head and his fingers gripped tightly at his hair. Kokichi squeezed his eyes shut, hiccuping and wheezing as his grip tightened further and further. With a decent tug, he could probably rip his hair right out of his head.

A sharp, piercing white noise started ringing in his ears, and nausea boiled in his stomach. Kokichi stumbled and swayed, and he felt like his knees were about to give out from under him.

Kokichi took in a few sharp, deep breaths, trying to ground himself. _It was just a bad dream,_ he told himself. _Just a dream… just a dream…_

Slowly, he could feel his heart beat slow and the ringing in his ears started to fade. Kokichi finally felt like he could breathe again. Slowly, Kokichi let his hands fall to his sides and he finally opened his eyes once again.

His eyes met with a matching pair in the bathroom mirror.

Kokichi gasped at his own reflection, but he was captivated by it. That horrified expression, those big, purple eyes, that pale skin… his chest started to feel tight. Tighter and tighter, until he found himself unable to breathe again.

All at once, Kokichi squeezed his eyes shut, burying his face in his hands and began to wail. He screamed and wailed, hard and loud, so loud that he couldn’t hear anything else.

There were no words in his voice. Even when Kokichi tried to scream out something coherent, it only drowned as incoherent nonsense among the violent cries that passed him. His knees finally gave out, and he crumpled onto the floor. 

He couldn’t stop screaming. He couldn’t stop crying. Every inch of his body felt weak or in pain, and he fell over onto his side as he continued to wail.

It didn’t take much longer for his cries to be answered.

Glenn had found a screwdriver and broke the bathroom door’s handle, allowing him and Ranji to swing the door open. Seeing Kokichi on the floor prompted Ranji to act first, quickly squeezing himself through the door way and gathering Kokichi up into his arms.

“Kokichi, Kokichi–” the man blubbered out. “Hush, it is all right, we are here, shh…”

Kokichi only cried louder and harder, but he clung to Ranji’s shirt and curled in on himself in Ranji’s arms. His whole body was shaking so violently that Ranji’s grip on him tightened.

“Jesus Christ,” Glenn whispered. “I–I’ve never seen him like this. What the hell is going on?”

“I do not know,” Ranji whispered, rocking the boy in his arms gently as he cried. “He had a nightmare of sorts? He was crying in his sleep…”

There was a pause before Ranji turned to Glenn, expression stern. “Do you know anything about a… ‘Rochi’?”

“‘Rochi’?” Glenn echoed, but immediately shook his head. “I mean, it sounds familiar, but… I don’t know anything about that.”

They both fell silent, Kokichi’s screaming and crying drowning out any potential words they could exchange. His cries drowned everything out for several minutes, even when his voice started to become raw and hoarse, he cried and screamed for at least a half an hour straight. At least, that’s how long it felt.

Soon after Kokichi had started to wear himself out, Ranji finally stood up. Still holding Kokichi in his arms, he muttered; “Please go get him some water. I will put him back in bed.”

Glenn’s gaze fell on Kokichi for a moment before he nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

As Glenn left with a brisk walk to the kitchen, Ranji carried Kokichi back to his room. When he tried to rest Kokichi back on the bed, however, Kokichi yelped and clung onto him even tighter. With a soft sigh and muttering soft words of comfort to the boy, Ranji sat down on the bed and kept Kokichi in his arms.

Glenn soon came into the room with a tall glass of water, though with how Kokichi was still curled in on himself, he decided to rest the glass on the nightstand next to the bed.

Kokichi continued to hiccup and sob, shaking like a leaf despite the embrace he found himself in, and his throat felt so raw from all of the crying and screaming he had done.

“Kokichi…” Ranji whispered, gently rocking him in a desperate attempt to bring him some form of comfort. Now that Kokichi seemed a lot calmer, they had to ask. “Kokichi, what happened? Was it a nightmare?”

“He’s had nightmares before,” Glenn interjected. “But it’s never been _this_ bad.”

“I see…” Ranji sighed. “Then… what happened? Kokichi?”

Both of them fell silent as they waited for Kokichi to reply. They waited for a minute or two before Kokichi finally opened his eyes.

He hiccuped, and clung even more to Ranji’s shirt, but he managed to weakly whisper out, “R… Rochi…”

“Rochi?” Ranji repeated. “What is… ‘Rochi’…?”

“Rochi…” Kokichi hiccuped and shook his head. “Rochi… Rochi…!” Just saying the name, over and over, started to make Kokichi sob deeply again. “Rochi…!”

“Maybe ‘Rochi’ isn’t a ‘what’…” Glenn started. He was frowning, and his expression looked somber. “… But a ‘who’?”

As if to confirm Glenn’s suspicions, Kokichi’s sobbing deepened even further, and his crying grew in volume again. “Rochi…! _Rochi!”_

“Shh, child, shh…” Ranji cooed, but it only seemed to make Kokichi more distraught.

“I d-didn’t ask–I didn’t _ask_ for you to pr-protect me…!” Kokichi cried out, and soon, he started struggling against Ranji’s hold. “I didn’t ask you to _save_ me! I didn’t ask y-you to _hurt yourself_ for me!”

Ranji gasped as Kokichi squirmed, and tried to still him by tightening his hold on him. “K-Kokichi–”

“I didn’t _ask_ you to do that for me!” Kokichi screamed, finally letting go of Ranji’s shirt to grip his hair. “I didn’t ask him to save me! I didn’t ask him that! I _never_ w-wanted him to save me! I never wanted him to _leave_ me!” He struggled harder, crying louder and louder. “I w-would have–I would have taken it if it meant–if you didn’t–! Why, why did you leave me– _Kurochi!”_

Despite any attempts to comfort him, to hush him and help him, Kokichi only started screaming louder. “Kurochi! _Kurochi!_ I c-can’t take it anymore, Rochi! Rochi, please come back, p-please…! Rochi! Please, I’ll do _anything–_ please!”

Kokichi stopped struggling, but the energy he used for it was put into crying out for the dead.

Ranji and Glenn fell completely silent as Kokichi fell apart again, unable to look at him as he sobbed and cried.

There wasn’t much else they could do for him, aside from let him scream and cry himself out again. By the time he had calmed down, he was so drained and tired that he couldn’t even drink the water Glenn prepared for him.

After tucking Kokichi in bed, Glenn and Ranji looked at each other and gave each other a soft nod, silently agreeing but never speaking a word.

They would have to confront Kokichi about this in the morning.

.........

......

...

He knew it was coming.

As Kokichi’s eyes fluttered open and his vision cleared, memories of the night before had assaulted his mind. He groaned, feeling a headache forming, as he realized that there was definitely going to be no escaping the inevitable interrogations that Ranji and Glenn were surely planning to give him later that day.

He was such an idiot.

Instead of immediately getting out of bed like he normally would, excited to eat more of Ranji’s spicy food for breakfast, he pulled the covers over his head. Kokichi knew that as soon as he exited the bedroom he was staying in he would be assaulted with those questions. Terrible, invasive questions that he knew needed answers. Whether he liked it or not.

That didn’t mean he would avoid it for as long as physically possible.

Even when his stomach started growling, Kokichi kept himself hidden. He had gone hungry before, a few hours wouldn’t hurt. Yet his will power was being chipped at with the assault of delicious, spicy smells.

Even with his mouth watering, he refused. Kokichi didn’t want to talk about it.

It wasn’t much longer before he heard a knock on the door. “Kokichi…?” He heard Ranji’s voice and grimaced. “Are you awake? I have breakfast for you.”

Even though he was wide awake, Kokichi didn’t utter even a single peep. 

Ranji waited, but no matter how long Kokichi would stay quiet for, he knew Ranji wasn’t going to leave.

With a reluctant sigh, Kokichi muttered; “… I’m awake.”

He heard the door open and close a little _too_ quickly, and he squeezed his eyes shut as he heard Ranji’s heavy footsteps draw closer and closer. 

He heard Ranji set a plate of what he assumed to be food on the nightstand, and sit himself down on the edge of the bed.

Before he could say _anything,_ however, Kokichi hissed; “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ranji remained silent for a moment or two, before he muttered; “I know you do not. I am not here to make you speak of it, child. I only want you to eat.”

This was enough to make Kokichi raise a brow, and peek his head out from the covers. Before he could throw his suspicion at Ranji, however, delicious smells assaulted his nose, and his mouth started watering.

Seeing Kokichi’s eyes fixated on the food, Ranji smiled. “Go on. Eat. It is not good to skip breakfast, no?”

Kokichi took no time to sit up and grab the plate, muttering out a soft “thank you” before shoving bits of the egg and pepper omelette into his mouth. The taste was lost to him, but the heat was a pleasant and interesting element that had him wolf down another bite.

His eyes fell back onto Ranji as he chewed his food, and noticed how the other looked somber. Even with his smile, there was a sadness that made Kokichi take his third bite far more slowly.

Without looking to him, Ranji started speaking. “Kokichi… have you seen those photos of a woman and two children around my home?

Kokichi didn't immediately answer. He chewed on his food instead, looking at Ranji with suspicious yet curious eyes, before he finally swallowed the bite. “Yeah. Kinda hard to miss; those pictures of everywhere.”

Ranji chuckled, but something about it’s nature made Kokichi’s heart lurch. It was definitely not a joyous laugh. “Do you… know who they are?”

Slowly, Kokichi shook his head. 

“They were my wife and children.” Not that Kokichi was genuinely surprised by the revelation–with how sad his smiles were when looking at those images, with how Kokichi saw the same signs of grief in this man that he saw in himself, it was hard to miss. He already knew where Ranji was going to take this conversation. “My wife was named Seeta. My daughter was named Aruna, and my son Jaidev. They had died in a car accident a few months before you and Glenn came to India.”

Kokichi swallowed another bite he had been chewing, and glanced down at his plate of food. Suddenly, he wasn’t feeling so hungry anymore.

There was a pause. “Did you know that I was a restaurant chef?” 

The sudden change in topic made Kokichi glance over to Ranji again. “Uh… Well, no… but that explains why you like to cook a lot.”

Ranji laughed. “Yes, indeed. I was quite popular, too. I had done very well for myself.”

“Hmm.” Kokichi looked back to his food, then to Ranji again. “Why’d you stop being a chef? You _were_ a chef, meaning you aren’t one anymore.”

“Well, that is a… simple, yet difficult question to answer,” Ranji muttered. “It was because of the accident.”

When Kokichi didn’t immediately chime in with a response, Ranji continued; “When I returned home from work and learned of the accident, it felt like the whole wide world was shattering beneath my feet. To have someone you love, your whole wide world taken away in an instant… That sort of grief can kill any man.” Ranji closed his eyes and cupped his hands in his lap, and Kokichi could see that he was shaking. “I do not remember things well. There was a funeral, but I do not remember anything aside from that night, where I cried for the first time since I was a boy.”

At that point, Kokichi had definitely stopped eating, and kept his full attention on Ranji as he spoke of his family. He thought that the man would burst into sobs at any second, but he managed to keep himself together. 

“For several months, that was all my life was,” Ranji whispered. “Sleepless nights and a huge, cold, empty home. I stopped cooking. I barely even ate any food. I never even left my house unless I absolutely needed to. Eventually, I was fired from my position, but I no longer cared. My whole world was gone. I had no reason to live. I had no desire to live. I was wasting away, living off of the funds I had been saving for my children’s future education. There were several nights where I did not expect to live to see the next morning. Where I did not want to.”

Kokichi had started frowning. He knew those feelings well, especially after he had ran away to America and before he met Glenn. How he wandered aimlessly on the streets, dead eyes and little desire to live. “Then… what changed?”

“Hmm?”

Kokichi turned to Ranji, feeling his eyes stinging. “What made you want to live again? What changed?”

The question left Ranji silent, thoughtful as that sad smile finally faded. There were tears in the corners of his eyes. “… Nothing.”

The answer wasn’t something Kokichi was expecting, and it made him raise a brow. “What?”

“Nothing has changed, Kokichi. Nothing has made me want to live any more than I had before. There isn’t a day that goes by where I do not wish to join my family in the heavens above.”

Kokichi was stricken with a silent awe, mouth agape and brows furrowed with confusion. “… But…”

“I know, I know. 'But how are you living as you are now?' That is what you want to ask me, is it not?” Ranji shook is head. “Well, the answer is something you can find within yourself, is it not?”

“What… do you…?”

“You know the answer. You know that wanting to die, feeling this grief and pain, is not something that goes away.” Ranji’s eyes fell to the floor. “That is how grief is. It will get easier to handle, to live despite those horrid feelings, bu they are still there. That emptiness and loneliness of losing a loved one will never cease. It will just become dormant, until it decides to suddenly rear its ugly head and take you by surprise. Then suddenly, you find yourself drowning, gasping for air, with no idea how in the world you will crawl back out from its clutches.”

Ranji glanced over to Kokichi for a moment, before he turned his head and faced the wall. “And then, suddenly… you are living again. You are alive. You are eating food, having a few laughs, experiencing new things in life. Then you think, ‘Ah, yes. I will not fall to grief again. I will not drown like that again,’ and you try to make good on your word. Except, that is not how that works. Grief knows no master. No matter how hard you try, no matter what precautions you take, grief will always find you. It will take you by surprise again, and swallow you whole. It will always find away to tear you apart, even if you become a master at recovering from it. That will not stop it from happening.”

Finally, Ranji turned to completely face Kokichi, frowning and a few stray tears slipping from the corners of his eyes. “Last night, your grief had taken you by surprise… and sadly, that will not be the last that it does.”

Those words were harsh against Kokichi’s ears, and his heart started pounding, aching, throbbing with agony in his chest. He tried to breathe, but he could only hiccup.

Ranji gently took the plate of food off of Kokichi’s lap, and rested it back on the night stand before scooping Kokichi up into his arms. Like a dam that could no longer contain a raging river, Kokichi burst into loud sobs and tears, burying his face into Ranji’s chest.

“It’s–it’s not fair…!” Kokichi cried out. “That’s, that’s not _fair!_ Why, why do I have to s-suffer?! Why do I have to _live?!_ Why am I the one he left behind?!”

“Shh, shh…” Ranji hushed as he rocked Kokichi in his arms. Yet he gave no answers. Kokichi knew there weren’t going to be any, because there just simply were no answers to the painful questions he asked.

That’s just how life was. That was how his life was, and how it was going to be for the rest of the time he spent on this earth. He didn’t want it to be true, but not even Ranji had it in him to lie out of kindness.

Yet, a lie was all he wanted to hear. He wanted to be told that time healed all wounds. He wanted the hope that one day, he wouldn’t find himself crying over his dead twin brother.

Except reality wasn’t as pretty or as kind as a lie.


End file.
